Arguments_for

Arguments for the existence of 'god'

The Cowardly Lion argument for 'god'.
(a) I DO believe in 'god'; I DO believe in 'god'.
(b) I do, I do, I do I do I do believe in 'god' (wrings tail).
(c) Ah-hhhaaa! Therefore 'god' exists.
(d) (Runs and jumps through a stained glass window).

Argument from Complete and Utter Meaningless Nonsense
(a) 'god' spoke light into existence.
(b) 'god' breathed life into the nostrils of a man made from dirt.
(c) Jesus lives in my heart and carries me when I stumble.
(d) I drink in the word and the word became flesh.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from the Bible
(a) Yes, Jesus loves me.
(b) Yes, Jesus loves me.
(c) Yes, Jesus loves me.
(d) The bible tells me so.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Subjectivity
(a) I claim to have experienced 'god's' presence.
(b) I know that 'god' existing hasn't been shown to be even possible.
(c) I also know that false feelings of divine presence can occur and can even be induced by drugs, chanting, deprivation, starvation and/or electromagnetic waves affecting the brain.
(d) I know that its not been shown that 'god' is possible, but such false experiences have been shown possible.
(e) I believe it was 'god' anyway.
(f) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument for Invisible Magic People
(a) Gee, I don't know and you don't know.
(b) It was either an invisible magic person who did it, or it was some complex or complicated long drawn out non-directed process that I don't understand.
(c) I have a problem believing that it was some non-directed complex or complicated process that I don't understand.
(d) I think that it being caused by invisible magic people with magic wands much more likely.
(e) 'god' is an invisible magic person.
(f) Therefore I'll insist that it must have been done by 'god'.
(g) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Selective Incredulity
(a) First some girl said she saw the Virgin Mary by the town's waterpump.
(b) Then a whole lot of people said they saw it too.
(c) And then more and more people are coming out of the wood-work claiming to have seen the Virgin Mary by the town's waterpump.
(d) Although it is possible for all these people to be lying just to feel special and to jump on the bandwagon, it still seems much more likely to me that it was really invisible magic people being seen at the town's water pump.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Perfectly Aligned Gospels
(a) The gospels don't contradict each other because they were 'god' inspired "illuminated" writings.
(b) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Contrary and Contradictory Gospels.
(a) The gospels are contrary and contradictory to each other.
(b) We should expect this when different people witness real events.
(c) Therefore the gospels represent real events.
(d) If it was all a hoax, people would make it all fit neatly.
(e) Therefore its all true because it can't be if taken literally.
(f) That sounds like what people would write when writing down real life because we're flawed and fallen and would screw it up.
(g) It seems screwed up, and therefore must be true.
(g) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from "The Autographs"
(a) The bible is the perfect word of 'god'.
(b) Yes, what you're showing me here IS a contradiction. It must be a translation error. But the "real" scripture is the perfect word of 'god'.
(c) Yes, I can see that its the same meaning in the original language. Thanks for showing me that.
(d) Then it must be your incomplete understanding because you don't have the holy ghost in your heart.
(e) Yes, I can see that this revered reverend admits that this is what is says. Thanks for showing me that.
(f) It must have been added in later and not part of the original 'god' inspired gospels, called "The Autographs".
(e) Yes, I know that there are no known Autographs of the gospels known to exist, but that's the way it is anyway.
(f) Therefore 'god' exists.

The Cosmological Argument
(a) The laws of physics suggest that everything must have a cause.
(b) If nothing physical existed, there would be no laws of physics.
(c) There is no "pre-existence physics".
(d) While ignoring 'b' and 'c', I'll suggest that the universe must have had a cause.
(e) I can't think of anything else and you probably can't either; so I'll say 'god' did it.
(f) 'god' must exist to do it, and he done gone ahead and done it.
(g) Therefore 'god' exists.

The Cosmological Argument 2.0
(a) Tell me how the universe started in detail.
(b) You don't have all the answers?
(c) That's a gap in your knowledge.
(d) My 'god' slinks around in gaps of ignorance and in dark corners.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Ontological argument
(a) I'll just arbitrarily label all REAL 'gods' as the most bestest best thing ever.
(b) I can't think of anything that would be better than the bestest best thing ever.
(c) There must be a bestest thing, even though I won't define "bestest" specifically and non-arbitrarily.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Ontological argument 2.0
(a) Existence is pretty cool.
(b) 'god' is pretty cool.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Teleological Argument
(a) WOW!! (Stares slack-jawed at "complexity")
(b) I'm completely ignorant about and can't fathom how that could come about without magic.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument From Miraculous Intervention
(a) My preacher said he had a headache, took two aspirin and prayed.
(b) My preacher's aunt Matilda had cancer and had chemotherapy and we prayed for her.
(c) My preacher said they both got better.
(d) My preacher said "Top Doctors" were baffled.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Intelligent Design
(a) The universe was intelligently designed...
(b) ...'cause I can't think of anything more likely than invisible magic people.
(c) You aren't allowed to ask me why he did it.
(d) You aren't allowed to ask me where he is now.
(e) You aren't allowed to ask me how he did it.
(f) You aren't allowed to ask me how he implemented design into form.
(g) You aren't allowed to ask me to flesh out any theory at all.
(h) You aren't allowed to make me admit that I have no real theory.
(i) You aren't allowed to ask me who he is.
(j) You aren't allowed to force me to tell you that I'm really referring to 'god'.
(k) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument for 'god' by Arguing Against Chance Occurance.
(a) I can't believe that species and organisms could come about by some random accident.
(b) "Evolution is not randomness, its the exact opposite of a random process" ~ Richard Dawkins
(c) Let's not change our story.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Intelligent Design 2.0
(a) Atheists are asking us to believe that a tornado sweeping through a junkyard can create a buick.
(b) This doesn't decribe the process of evolution.
(c) But it does describe the ("Poof!") method of suddenly appearing giraffes and storks predicted by creationists.
(d) But let's consider this a critisism of evolution instead.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Anecdote
(a) My preacher knows someone who heard someone say that they saw the Virgin Mary give tuba lessons.
(b) Therefore 'god' exits.

Argument from The Gaps
(a) There is an incomplete fossil record as of yet of all species that have ever lived on planet earth.
(b) No one needs a complete fossil record to confirm evolution theory of the species.
(c) Natural Selection is a proved true process, and genetics provides a traceable record regarding a species past.
(d) I'll ignore points b & c and harp on the "gaps" in fossil evidence because my 'god' slinks around in gaps of ignorance and in dark corners.
(e) Even if evolutionists suddenly came up with fossil evidence for all alleged gaps, and each bit of evidence neatly bisected each gap, I would simply claim that there are now twice as many gaps.
(f) Therefore I can always make a claim that there is a gap for my 'god' to slither around in.
(g) Therefore 'god' exists.

Moral Argument 1.0
(a) Stalin was bad.
(b) I can't believe that Hitler was a REAL Catholic.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Moral Argument 2.0
(a) I used to rape my dog, beat my wife, was addicted to pornography and video games and ate too much junk food.
(b) I found Jassas and now I live in Stepford, have "plastic" looking hair and wear snappy "power" ties.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Moral Argument 3.0
(a) Atheists are liars.
(b) Atheists believe that 'god' is bad, even evil and that He also doesn't exist.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists and is all good.

Argument from Special Magic Privilege.
(a) Where did the universe come from?
(b) You can't just say it came from nothing.
(c) Where did 'god' come from; who made 'god' you ask?
(d) 'god' has always existed.
(e) If you say the universe always existed, I'll scoff, kick dirt clods and arm wave in protest.
(f) If you do say that, I'll challenge your means of knowing this.
(g) If you challenge my way of knowing that 'god' has always existed, I'll scoff, kick dirt clods and arm wave in protest.
(h) Every effect has a cause, who caused the universe?
(i) Who caused 'god' you ask? Didn't I answer this already?
...
(x) 'god' is "special" and transendent to this universe.
(y) 'god' is "self-existent", yet always existed (which is a contradiction, but I don't care).
(z) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Wealth
(a) 'god' rewards those who spread the good news.
(b) Its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle...you get the point.
(c) I've become a rich bastard selling Jesus stories.
(d) If we ignore 'b', then this suggests that 'god' is real.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Intimidation
(a) You better get right with 'god' or he's a gonna burn you in hell forever.
(b) He really loves you, but you're twisting his arm on this one.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from 'god's' Lies
(a) 2 Th.2:11-12 "For this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned..."
(b) 'god' couldn't lie to people and damn them to hell and torture them if he didn't exist.
(c) I really want 'god' to punish "evil-doers".
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Special Knowledge
(a) Paul in the bible says that you can't understand 'god's' message because you are "depraved" and your mind is not "regenerate".
(b) Therefore even though you proved my twaddle wrong and self-contradictory, its really "The Truth".
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Parental Programming.
(a) Mom and Daddy told me 'x'.
(b) I can't exceed my programming.
(c) I can't hear you, "la, la, la, la..."
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Church Programming.
(a) The RC Church told me 'x'.
(b) I can't exceed my programming.
(c) I can't hear you, "la, la, la, la..."
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from "Just Because"
(a) Even though my personal 'god' divinely intervenes in our physical universe.
(b) And even though I claim that it makes lasting observable physical changes to the universe.
(c) And even though 'god' sometimes does this in answer to prayer and sometimes just because He wants to...
(d) And even though it isn't prohibited for non-believers to see these physical changes to the universe that 'god' did...
(e) You aren't qualified to say that there is no evidence of 'god' by looking for physical evidence using the physical sciences.
(f) Because I don't like that.
(g) 'Just because I said so.
(h) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Authority
(a) Dr. Createlittle has a website.
(b) He also gave a speech to creationists.
(c) He went to a university.
(d) How dare you suggest he is capable of being wrong when you don't have a double-doctorate.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument by Pretending Contrary Ideas are really Contradictory Ideas.
(a) If evolution were perfectly false, it wouldn't make any 'god' come true.
(b) If 'god' doesn't exist, then this fact alone wouldn't make evolution perfectly true as we currently understand it.
(c) I'll ignore 'a' and 'b'.
(d) I'll attack evolution theory anyway and ask people to show me half an eye ball.
(e) No one showed me a half-eyeball.
(f) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from No Zebra's from Dogs
(a) I don't believe in evolution
(b) show me a zebra that evolved from a dog
(c) You can't, can you.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Emotions
(a) I'll arbitrarily state that 'god' is all love, even though the bible says differently.
(b) People are capable of love.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument From Psychological Skepticism.
(a) That's just your opinion.
(b) I have an opinion too.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Lack of Divine Omnipotence.
(a) 'god' can do anything.
(b) But he can't prove he exists because you are supposed to have faith and freewill.
(c) Even though the bible tells us he exists and tells you that you should be a slave to 'god',...well, that's just different.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Lack of Total Destruction
(a) A train crashed, killing 250 people.
(b) An old man survived, but lost his legs and is now deaf.
(c) Wow, that proves his grace.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from an Illiterate Satan
(a) Satan exists and is 'god's adversary.
(b) Satan must have free will or everything we blame him for would really be 'god's' fault.
(c) All "free-willed" Satan would have to do to screw up 'god's' plans is to not do what the bible says he will.
(d) Therefore Satan must not be able to read.
(e) ...and 'god' exists.

Argument from Diverted Evil
(a) The tornado was heading for my house.
(b) I prayed that it would change its path away from me.
(c) It changed course and hit Aunt Emma's house, and she's extremely faithful to Christ.
(d) She must have lacked faith or thought something that pissed off 'god'.
(e) But 'god' saved me, so...
(f) 'god' exists.

Bill O'Reilly's Argument for 'god'
(a) Well, its pretty obvious, don't you think?
(b) That's just silly.
(c) Go ahead, I'll give you the last word.
(d) Well, I think that's just dumb, but as always, we'll let the audience decide.
(e) Yes, I know I told you that I would give you the last word, but that was a "closing comment"...that's different.
(f) ...and when I receive 2000 emails saying one thing and 2 emails saying something different, I'll pick one of each to put on the air.
(g) And don't even think about it councillor, I know the law much better than you legal type people.
(h) Therefore I'm right (and 'god' exists).

Argument from Special Signs and Coded Messages from 'god'.
(a) My ham and cheese sandwich looks like the Virgin Mary.
(b) Therefore 'god' exists and is sending me and my sanctomonious friends secret coded messages about cheese.

Argument from Innumeracy 1.0
(a) The merciful and sacrificial one and only 'god' sacrificed himself to the unforgiving and blood demanding one and only 'god'.
(b) So the one and only 'god' is my saviour by saving me from the wrath of the one and only 'god'.
(c) The one and only 'god' did this by shedding his innocent blood as a blood-price to the one and only 'god'.
(c) Therefore the one and only 'god' exists.

Argument from Innumeracy 2.0
(a) Jesus is 'god'.
(b) 'god' the father is 'god'.
(c) There is only one 'god'.
(d) However, Jesus is not his own father and didn't impregnate his virgin mother.
(e) That's impossible.
(f) Only 'god' can do the impossible.
(g) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Special Favours. 1.0
(a) Bob bought a lottery ticket, prayed and won.
(b) Millions of other people also bought lottery tickets, prayed and lost.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Special Favours 2.0
(a) My daughter had cancer, and we prayed for her to be cleansed from this evil disease.
(b) Millions of other people had cancer and were prayed for to be cleansed from that evil disease.
(c) My daughter lived.
(d) The other millions died.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Christian Morals and Values.
(a) Christians consider it morally good for the innocent to be tortured and killed just to profit the guilty.
(b) Christians consider it morally good (the will of 'god') for the innocent (Jesus) to be tortured and killed (the passion of the Christ) just to profit (going to heaven instead of hell/spiritual death) the guilty (unworthy sinners).
(c) I profit from condoning the horrific torture and slaying of an innocent man named Jesus 'cause I'ma gonna go to heaven after I'm dead.
(d) I call this undeserved torture of the innocent "grace and love" because I profit from it by going to heaven.
(e) The will of 'god' is morally good.
(f) Jesus dying for my sins was the will of 'god'.
(g) Its morally good when innocent people like Jesus die to pay for crimes they didn't' commit and the guilty get off scott free.
(h) Therefore 'god' exists.

Daytime Talk show Argument for 'god'
(a) Check out this video clip
(b) Now, who can watch that and still say that there is no 'god'?
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Unaware Atheists Argument for 'god'
(a) Paul says that everyone believes in 'god' and can't look at the universe and still deny it.
(b) You say that you don't believe in 'god'.
(c) Paul's word is 'god' inspired.
(d) Therefore you must just THINK you don't believe in 'god'.
(e) Therefore 'god' really exists and you unconsciously know it.

David and Paul's argument from Pottery
(a) Just who do these flawed pottery people think they are questioning the Perfect Potter?
(b) Flawed pottery must be the fault of the pottery itself, not the Perfect Potter.
(c) The Perfect Potter must make perfect pottery, and the perfect pottery must have flawed themselves somehow.
(d) Therefore people should be smashed like a cracked bowl.
(e) Therefore 'god' must exist to smash bad people.
(f) There are bad people.
(g) Therefore we know that 'god' must exist so he can smash the bad people.

Paul's argument from Law.
(a) Romans 5:20 "Moreover the law entered, that the offence might abound."
(b) The law exists just so that almost all of you mofo's will be damned.
(c) That makes me happy and proves that there is poetic justice in the universe.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Faith
(a) To believe that something is true even in the face of contrary evidence is just the same to me as if it were really true. (Hebrews 11:1)
(b) I'm more interested in what I'm convinced is true than actual facts, so don't waste your breath.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Not Doing Impossible Things.
(a) You can't prove that 'gods' or talking sheep are impossible.
(b) I'm thereby implying that something is lacking on your side of the argument just because you haven't performed logically impossible feats.
(c) Therefore I'm implying that 'god' does actually exist, and your feet might smell funny too.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Homosexuality
(a) Gal.5:18 "But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law."
(b) If gay people were of the spirit, they wouldn't be gay.
(c) Since the law still applies to gay people, then 'god' still gets mad about what they do with their willies and wonkas.
(d) 'god' couldn't get mad if there was no 'god'.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Ignoring Scripture
(a) No one knows the day and hour Jesus will return.
(b) Matthew 24:34 "Verily I say unto you, THIS GENERATION SHALL NOT PASS, till all these things be fulfilled."
(c) I'll ignore 'b' and say that Jesus is due any second now even though people have been waiting for two thousand years, and you'll be sorry when you're on the naughty list and not the nice one.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Circular Reasoning
(a) 'god' exists because the bible says so.
(a) The bible is true because 'god' dictated it.
(b) And we know that 'god' dictated it because the bible says so.
(c) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from True Contradictions
(a) 'god' doesn't make mistakes.
(b) 'god' is remorseful about his mistakes.
(c) 'god' is sometimes remorseful.
(d) He could hardly be remorseful if he didn't exist.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from History
(a) The bible contains some historical facts, just like Gone with the Wind does.
(b) History is true and true things exist.
(c) Therefore the bible and Gone with the Wind are true.
(e) Therefore 'god' and Scarlet exist.

Argument from Wrong Information
(a) If people evolved from apes, then why are there still apes around?
(b) I'm Dr. John D. Morris, the President of the Institute for Creation Research.
(c) There are still apes around, thus proving that evolution is false.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Being Deliberately Unfocused
(a) Every culture believes in 'god', how do you explain that?
(b) All these different 'god's are just a misunderstanding of the TRUE 'god'.
(c) Therefore all these people really believe in my 'god'...they just don't know it yet.
(d) One billion Chinese can't be wrong.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Being a Pathetic Cog
(a) Life would be meaningless and pointless to me unless I was part of some mysterious cosmic experiment that I didn't understand.
(b) Therefore either 'god' exists, or you're insisting that everything is pointless and meaningless.
(c) I just can't accept that last bit,
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Jesus' Witness Argument for God
(a) John 5:31 "If I bear witness of myself, my witness is not true."
(b) As 'god' as my witness, what I said was true.
(c) That makes two of us, (me and 'god'), which is required before hearsay has any weight according to Jewish law.
(d) Therefore 'god' exists.

Jesus' Confusing Parables/Jack Nicholson Argument for 'god'
(a) I tell parables to unbelievers that only those with 'god' in their hearts can understand.
(b) My disciples don't understand even though they should, so I'll explain it to them too.
(c) But I deliberately told parables to the unbelievers so that they WOULD NOT understand.
(d) It'll give them something to think about rather than to quickly reject it outright.
(e) Because you can't HANDLE the truth.
(f) Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from the Low-Laying Snake
(a) Pretending to be a talking serpent is a great way to remain inconspicuous. No one will suspect a thing.
(b) It works especially well when fooling someone who knows everything.
(c) The talking serpent told an illicit truth and exposed 'god's' lie in Genesis 3.
(d) Its kind of hard to tell lies if you don't exist.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Liars Of God (LOG's) Argument for 'god'.
(a) You accuse me of telling lies when I tell people about 'god', just because you catch me in constant deceptions and evasions.
(b) Paul said in Romans 3 that everyone is a liar, including Christians, but Christians tell flattering lies about 'god'.
(c) He also said that 'god' has no problem with that.
(d) Romans 3:7 "If through my lies God's truth abounds to His glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner?"
(e) If though my lies, 'god's' truth abounds to his glory and lying would be bad otherwise, but my lies aren't bad, then 'god' must exist.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

Platonic Argument of Unearned Merit
(a) Anything is possible
(b) If 'god' didn't exist then the probability of 'god' existing would be zero.
(c) If we know that the probability of something existing is zero, then this means that its impossible for it to exist.
(d) That which does not exist is nothing.
(e) Therefore nothing is impossible.
(f) Therefore every'thing' exists, because if it didn't exist it wouldn't be a "thing".
(g) I can conceive of 'god' and that's not nothing.
(h) Therefore 'god' and perfect triangles must exist because I can conceive of them.
(i) Therefore 'god' exists.

The "I can't be wrong" Argument for 'god'
(a) "Alma" in Isaiah 7:14 means "virgin" in reference to Jesus.
(b) The same "Alma" in the same Isaiah 7:14 means "young girl who isn't a virgin" in reference to the Immanuel born 700 years before Jesus as a sign to King Ahaz.
(c) I can't be wrong, no matter what you say because contradictions being false doesn't apply to me because I don't want them to.
(d) I'm convinced 'god' exists even if the source of my understanding is contradictory and faith-heads like me are just making up stuff.
(e) Therefore 'god' exists.

The Poopie's Pathetic MasoChristic Argument for 'god'
i'll see if i can ignorantly explain this again, Im here because i
like you guys, I already found God in my heart, you can not shake
that, so when you fight me, its really you fighting you lol.
I just help you see that, you guys have no right to get upset and
disrespectful with me for what I believe, I am doing nothing to you
but trying to have a good time. You guys like to fight and name
call, i grew up in that kind of mentally impoverished type of
environment, I know how to deal with idiots like you, I've been
forced to deal with inconsiderate, selfish, arrogant, uncaring people
most of my life :D

Therefore 'god' exists.

Argument from Solice
(a) The Smith family is made up of Adam, the father, Eve the mother, and their five kids.
(b) If they all go to hell, then this will not bring solice to their relatives.
(c) If all but one goes to heaven, this will not bring solice to their relatives as the idea of some people being at a party while other family members are being tortured in hell forever is not a comforting idea. Would you enjoy such a party?
(d) If all but two goes to heaven, then this will not bring solice to their relatives either.
(e) If all but three go to heaven, then this will not bring solice to their relatives.
(f) If all but four goes to heaven, then this will not bring solice to their relatives.
(g) If all but five goes to heaven, then this will not bring solice to their relatives.
(h) If all but six goes to heaven, then this will not bring solice to their relatives.
(f) Only in the unlikely event that all seven make it into heaven can the idea of a Christian 'god' bring solice to the living relatives and friends.
(e) Therefore its fair to say that 'god' exists and religion brings solice to the living.

Argument from Freedom of Religion
(a) I have a right to believe what I want.
(b) I'm not comfortable with you challenging my arbitrary feel-thinking.
(c) Who are you to make me feel uncomfortable?
(d) Where do you get off challenging my religious beliefs?
(e) Are you a communist as well as an atheist?
(f) This country was founded to protect people like me from people like you.
(g) Therefore 'god' exists, asshole!

(lol)

.

Yes, these "arguments" are not valid and are quite silly. The sad thing is that most of them have been offered legitimately to me by theists, mostly Christians, in some form or another. However, I've maintained the basic argument but presented them in a humorous fashion, like our first argument "The Cowardly Lion Argument" for instance. I know you'll recognize this one.