Bejesus is shown into a large room and there sitting behind a large desk is an evil looking troll of a man who looks shockingly like that annoying clown in the movie Spawn.


The evil ass-clown Dr. Evil speaks up.



Dr. Evil: "You might be wondering why I've brought you here."

Bejesus: "Yes, why did you have me brought here?"


Dr. Evil: I've seen you around, preaching your message of ethics and of not throwing rocks at other people. Let me tell you, I don't like it!"

Bejesus: "Why is that?"


Dr. Evil: "Shut up, I'm talking."

Dr. Evil: "You see, I loathe people. I think that humanity is flawed and filthy viruses that have infected my world. I think that people deserve to all be exterminated from the face of the earth. I suppose you don't."

Bejesus: "Of course not".


Dr. Evil: "Of course not, you say...he he he. You don't share my vision...yet."

Bejesus: "Why would you destroy everyone on the planet?"


Dr. Evil: "I told you to shut up." "I want to show you something. I call it the 'doomsday machine'".


Bejesus: "What is it for?"



Dr. Evil: "It will incinerate the entire planet earth!! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!!" (Maniacal laugh)

(Dr. Evil, the evil Spawn looking ass-clown then shows Bejesus a demonstration of what the doomsday machine will do. Bejesus is convinced beyond any reasonable doubt that the machine will in fact incinerate the entire planet, killing all life on it, and also that Dr. Evil is insane enough to use it.)


Bejesus: "You're barking mad".


Dr. Evil: "I'm not that angry. Besides, I can get a lot meaner than this."

Bejesus: (Looks at Dr. Evil perusingly) "Yes, I suppose you can".


Dr. Evil: "Listen up...this is what I want you to do. I want you to go around telling everyone that I'm really a good guy who is misunderstood and that I love them and because I love them, they owe me big time; and if you don't I'm gonna incinerate the entire planet, huh, ha-ha-ha!!"

Bejesus: But you have spent countless years teaching everyone to fear you and that you are demonstrably unstable, capricious and capable of great horrors.


Dr. Evil: "YEAH! (barked the troll with a gleam in his eye), but now I've got a different plan much more evil that that!!"

Bejesus: "How am I going to sell this one? Everyone knows that you killed all those innocent first born people in Egypt just to terrorize them. You are a terrorist, how am I going to sell the message that now you're loveable?"



Dr. Evil: THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!! Heerh Heerh, (snort)!!!  Do it or I'll burn up the planet!! Something else. I want you too call me "Father".

Bejesus: "You must be joking".

Dr. Evil: "Silence!! Now go!!"


So Bejesus goes about his way, teaching that Dr. Evil is really a swell guy who's been misunderstood all along, and he says that he's his father, etc. Some believe it because they want to and Bejesus gets a small following. 

Then Dr. Evil, the perverted ass-clown brings Bejesus back to him again.

Dr. Evil: "Bejesus, welcome back"

Bejesus: "What now? Haven't I done what you demanded?"


Dr. Evil: "You could have always said 'no'".


Bejesus: "And have you destroy the planet? Hardly".

Dr. Evil: "Well, now, your love for me intrigues me."


Bejesus: "Love for you?!"

Dr. Evil: "Love is submission. Love is subservience. Love is sacrifice to a higher power like me!!!"


Bejesus: "Did I mention that you're barking mad?" "Love is valuing others and being loved means to have qualities that one can love and appreciate. You are merely evil."

Dr. Evil: "I have power! That is enough. Besides, my definition of love will become THE definition of love for all my sheep. They will sacrifice, they will serve, they will lose themselves in their subservience to me!" I'll call my new religion SadoMasoChristendom and I'll populate it with masochistic sheep with a few well chosen sadistic leaders to keep the sheep in line for me and never question my control over them. The sheep will surrender to me, surrender though submission. Such unconditional love for me will serve as unconditional love for the sheep. I'll teach them that such unconditional love is "pure" and self-sacrificial and that the opposite of this will be to serve their own ego's which will be by default seem sullied and impure. Through their perfect unconditional love for me, which means no-holds-barred sacrifice of self and servitude towards me of course, they will attempt to "save" themselves by exuding this pure "love" to me and sacrifice to me. They will attempt to grasp "holiness" in my name. To deny ego is to deny self and selfishness and to lose what they will learn is contemptible because I'll TEACH THEM that they are contemptible. They will deal with this self-contempt by trying to escape their ego by losing themselves in selfless service and absolute mindless sacrifice to me!!"


Bejesus: "You're barking mad...and quite evil".


Dr. Evil: "Yes, you finally got that did you?" But...there's a problem...for you that is."


Bejesus: "What do you mean?"

Dr. Evil: "I need a martyr for my cause. A focal point and a "perfect" example of my perverted and self-destructive sense of sadomasochistic love. I need a human sacrifice...a "willing" human sacrifice. Something for the sheep to ingrain in their heads as being perfectly self-sacrificial to seal the bargain.


Bejesus: "You're an evil ass-clown"

Dr. Evil: "Be that as it may, my plan will work".

Bejesus: "People won't go for this."

Dr. Evil: "Oh don't sell people long, so to speak". Not all will follow me, but enough will perhaps." The masochists will line up to "love" me with denying themselves in all sorts of self-sacrificial ways. They'll see love as surrender, which they'll welcome because with surrender comes relief from being responsible for themselves. They'll be able to "let go" and feel "love" through their servitude. The more they serve, the more they will feel the selfless "love" of it. Their sacrificial love will serve as validation. It will validate their otherwise pointless lives and will validate their cause. The sheep will line up to surrender and call it love, the sadists in charge will never surrender and hence will not "love" either, which is why they're sadists.  They will be content to catch the crumbs of my power and wield my name in vain to do my bidding. All's well that ends well for me."


Bejesus: "You're just evil. What makes you think I'll go along with this?"

Dr. Evil: "Because you are soooo good of course! Why do you think I picked you especially?" "Why you'll make a fine sacrificial animal on my altar. And if you don't, I'll incinerate the whole world. Just try me if you doubt it." "Either you let some of the people do what they do best, be sycophant servants and others will be content to be the sadists who beat them in line, OR you choose to not go along with my evil plan and I'll destroy the planet.  


Bejesus: "And you with it?"


Dr. Evil: "Yes, I'm evil, remember? I would rather destroy myself persuing evil than to be like one of these mealy-mouthed sheep people. I'll die with my boots on."


Bejesus: "Please, take this fate from me. Don't do this, this is madness."

Dr. Evil: "I'm not listening".


Bejesus: "Please, take this fate from me."


Dr. Evil: "First, my evil plan involves you being arrested, and then tortured in the public square, and then crucified in front of the world." "Selfless pain and suffering and pure cruelty. That'll make the masochistic sheep salivate."


Bejesus: "Please, take this fate from me. Don't make me do this."

Dr. Evil: "Oh, you don't HAVE to do this."


Bejesus: "Are you kidding me?"

Dr. Evil: "La-La-La...not listening. This is me not listening. La-La-La."

(Bejesus scowls)


Dr. Evil: "And then I'll do something even more evil. Something absolutely diabolical.

I'll take each person I come across who is a member of my new church of SadoMasoChristendom and give them a sadistic choice similar to the one I've given you. I'll demand that they either condone the evil choice I'm forcing on you or I'll incinerate them.


Bejesus: "Force people to be immoral out of fear of a burning torture?"


Dr. Evil: "I'll call it..."salvation". Exquisitely evil, isn't it? I think I've outdone myself this time."

"Mua-ha-ha-ha- - - Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha- - - Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha"

(Fade to black).
The Religion of the Evil Ass-Clown
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